Must have missed this as it was floating around the net…

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is an exciting program.

I’ll explain it using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

• If you spend the stimulus money at Wa l-Mart, the money will go to China .

• If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

• If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .

• If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .

• If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

• If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

• If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1 spending it at yard sales, or

2 going to ball games, or

3 spending it on prostitutes, or

4 beer or

5 tattoos .

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.

Overheard via email:

If a conservative doesn’t like guns, they don’t buy one. If a liberal doesn’t like guns, then no one should have one.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, they don’t eat meat. If a liberal is, they want to ban all meat products for everyone.

If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy. A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

If a conservative is homosexual, they quietly enjoy their life. If a liberal is homosexual, they loudly demand legislated respect.

If a black man or Hispanic is conservative, they see themselves as independently successful. Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation. A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels. Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church. A liberal wants any mention of God or religion silenced.

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it. A liberal demands that his neighbors pay for his.

Here’s the newly redesigned and reassigned acronym for the AARP Card.

Overheard via email:

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, ‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!’

That’s when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut.

Too bad they did not act on this thought and protect us…..