A quick picture to provoke a bit of thought for the day.

An interesting letter in the Australian Shooter Magazine this week:

“If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq Theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington, DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period. That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in the US capital which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the U.S., than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: The U.S.should pull out of Washington.

Yes, you heard that right, Free Pot! Mayhaps not quite what your first thought was…

A Texas cop stopped an elderly lady for speeding.

He asked for her driver’s license, and proof of insurance. The old gal took out the required information and handed it to him.

He was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a concealed handgun-carry permit. He asked if she had a weapon in her possession at the time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. He asked her if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console.

The cop asked her if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. He then asked her what was making her so afraid she felt the need to carry weapons.

She looked him right in the eye and said, “Not a darn thing!”

Sure hope the laptop was worth it!

There is some truth buried in here somewhere… I tend to believe the latter paragraph…

A doctor from Israel says: “In Israel , the medicine is so
advanced that we cut off a mans testicles, put them on another man and
in  6 weeks, he is looking for work”

The German doctor comments: “Thats nothing, in Germany we take
part of a brain from one man, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks,
he is looking for work”

A Russian doctor says: Russia has you beat, Gentlemen We take out
half a heart from one,put it in another’s chest, and in 2 weeks, he is
looking for work.”

The United States doctor answers and laughs: “You all are way
behind us. 2 years ago in the USA , we took a man with no brains, no
heart and no balls, put him in as President. Now, the whole country is
looking for work!!!

I saw a fundamentalist Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River this
morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs
he was carrying.

Along with him was an illegal Hispanic drug cartel member who was also
struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was
strapped to his back.

If they didn’t get help, they’d surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress,
I informed the El Paso County Sheriff ‘s Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I’m starting to think I wasted two stamps.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Interesting facts you want to know….ahhhh…or maybe not.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb..

(Now that’s more like it !)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig..)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I’m still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour

(Don’t try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.

(Honey, I’m home. What the…?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm…….)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat’s urine glows under a black light..

(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out. )

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??, Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.

In other words, send it to everyone!

(and God love that pig!)

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me; I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of crap lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences… but Dad always had those pieces of {inappropriate language} chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perma-damp Ark-La-Tex River bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

‘Dang!’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think ‘Oh God please die… Pleeeeaze die’. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.

So here I am – in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day… he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire… I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a {inappropriate language} now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this???)…

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things… I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.