China’s best friend….

NEW ORLEANS–Critics were silenced today after President Barack Obama’s fifth visit to the Gulf Coast vastly improved the devastated region. While at the site of the worst oil spill in U.S. history, the president walked on a beach, looked at oil-soaked terns, and displayed the right amount of anger toward BP executives, all of which, sources said, should pretty much clear up the massive environmental disaster in a matter of days. “I really didn’t think the president did enough in his first four visits,” Louisiana fisherman Kevin Latrobe said. “Everyone knows you have to visit five times to make a difference. And sure enough, look! The pelicans already seem a little cleaner!” Some opponents still blasted the president for his trip, saying that they wanted something more substantial than political grandstanding, like a sixth or a ninth visit to the region.

Shamelessly borrowed from The Onion.

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THE GOLF ROBOT

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man
behind the counter in the pro shop and says, “I would like 18 holes of
golf and a caddie.”

The man behind the counter says, “The 18 holes of golf is no
problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this:
We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you’re willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me
how well it works, your round of golf is on me today.”

The golfer obviously accepted the man’s offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, “I think my driver will do the job.”

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, “No sir.. Use your
3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole.” Hesitantly, the
golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his
assistance.
As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, “I think this green
is gonna break left to right.” The robot then again spoke up and said, “No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left.”

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided
again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the
hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn’t end there. His entire game was
the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter
asked, “How was your game ?” The golfer stated, “It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots.
See you next week.”

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, “I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please.”

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and
said, “Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints.”

“COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could’ve complained about those robots? They
were incredible”

The man sighed and said, “Well, it wasn’t their performance. It
was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was
blinding to other golfers on the fair way.”

The golfer said, “So then why didn’t you just paint them black?”

The man nodded sadly and replied, “We did. Then four of ‘em didn’t show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro
shop, and the other
thinks he’s the President.”

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The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider
this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . Being
Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later,
the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demanded to know why the charge is so high. I told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’. I
insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us
to use. ‘But we didn’t use them,” I said. ”Well, they are here, and you
could have,” explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” I said. “Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I. replied, “But we didn’t use it!”

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. “But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00.” ”That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife,” I replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.

I said, “Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.”

Don’t mess with Senior Citizens

Apparently an urban legend.. but it speaks volumes…………

For those of you who don’t live in Texas ,

and think we are a bunch of uncivilized ruffians

- Well, it’s simply not true!

In fact, we have ladies’ groups that meet regularly to discuss current events

and develop needed home-skills.

For example, this photo was recently taken at a ladies group meeting in Orange

where they were discussing the elections coming up in November, and in 2012.

California

Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks dog.

#1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.

#2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it.

#3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases.

#4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.

#5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals.

#6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a ”coyote awareness” program for residents of the area.

#7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.

#8. Governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and for letting the Governor intervene.

#9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.

#10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state.

Texas

Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.

A coyote jumps out and attacks dog.

#1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. (Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.)

#2. Buzzards eat dead coyote.

You don’t have to own an Arizona cat to appreciate this one! You don’t even have to like ‘em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year’s Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.

We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. I go on out to the taxi, while my husband went back inside to  get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with my husband in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, I don’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, I explain to the taxi driver
that my husband will be out soon, ‘He’s just going upstairs to say Goodnight to my mother.’

A few minutes later, he gets into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ he said, as we drove away. ‘That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.