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Posts published in “Day: May 28, 2009”

Life in OK

Things I have learned when living in Oklahoma : (This also applies to other ‘country’ states)

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 1,947 types of snakes and 1,945 of ’em live in Oklahoma ..
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Oklahoma , plus a couple no one’s seen before.
4. If it grows, it’ll stick ya. If it crawls, it’ll bite cha.
5. ‘Onced’ and ‘Twiced’ are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
7.. ‘Jaw-P?’ means ‘Did ya’ll go to the bathroom?’
8. People actually grow and eat okra.
9. ‘fixinto’ is one word.
10. Tornado watches and tornado warnings are like television commercials. Just another annoying break in your favorite television program, giving you just enough time to go to the bathroom and get another cold drink.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.
12. Backwards and forwards (pronounced “backerds ‘n’ fords”), means, ‘I know everything about you that I need to know.’
13. The word ‘jeet’ is actually a phrase meaning, ‘Did you eat?’.
14. You don’t have to wear a watch, because it doesn’t matter what time it is, you work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
15. You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.
16. ‘No. Jew?’ is a common response to the question, ‘Did you bring any beer?’.
17. You measure distance in minutes.
18.. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
19. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal..
20. You know what a ‘DAWG’ is.
21. You carry jumper cables in your car — for your OWN car.
22. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Head Country, Tabasco and Ketchup.
23. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
24. A day that reaches 100 degrees Fahrenheit is “just another day”.
25. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
26. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.
27. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
28. We don’t need no dang driver’s education. We’ve been drivin’ tractors ‘n hay trucks since the age of 8! Besides, if our mama says we can drive, then we can.

The Difference

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, ‘I cannot accept money fro m you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen different books, such as ‘How to Improve Your Business’ and ‘Becoming More Successful.’

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

Little Johnny meets Barack Obama

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word tragedy.

‘ So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy.’

One little boy stood up and offered: ‘If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy..’

‘No,’ said Obama, ‘that would be an accident.’

A little girl raised her hand: ‘If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.

I’m afraid not,’ explained Obama. ‘That’s what we would call great loss.’

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. ‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: ‘If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.’

‘Fantastic!’ exclaimed Obama. ‘That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?’

‘Well,’ says the boy, ‘It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss…and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.’

Republicans vs. Democrats

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.”

She rolls her eyes and says, “You must be a Republican!”

“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answers the balloonist, “everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’re not much help to me.”

The man smiles and responds, “You must be a Democrat.”

“I am,” replies the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it’s my fault.”