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Posts published in “Funnies”

McGregor

This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

“Ye see that fence over there?” he says to the bartender. “Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me ‘McGregor the Fence-Builder?’ No…”

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. “Ye see that pier on the loch?” He continues, “Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me ‘McGregor the Pier-Builder?’ No.”

“But ye screw ONE sheep …”……………………..

Car shopping

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership, looking over the new cars.

Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales person doesn’t pop up right now. But, as she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greets her, “Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?”

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?”

Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, “Madame, I’m very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are gonna shit when you hear the price.”

Deserted humor

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

The Taliban shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”

“OK” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, & said “Your f***ing brother won’t let me in without a tie!”

Finally a credible birth certificate

Finally….. sort of.

But what the hell, it is just as credible as the one released by the white house.  Perhaps more as I do not see any obvious edits to this one!

English cartoons

In the words of the Brits… These are spot on!

Ice skater video

pretty good hack job on the rink and such…

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