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Posts tagged as “humor”

Car shopping

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership, looking over the new cars.

Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales person doesn’t pop up right now. But, as she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greets her, “Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?”

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?”

Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, “Madame, I’m very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are gonna shit when you hear the price.”

Deserted humor

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

The Taliban shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”

“OK” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, & said “Your f***ing brother won’t let me in without a tie!”

Finally a credible birth certificate

Finally….. sort of.

But what the hell, it is just as credible as the one released by the white house.  Perhaps more as I do not see any obvious edits to this one!

Ice skater video

pretty good hack job on the rink and such…

[kaltura-widget uiconfid=”535″ entryid=”1_an4f56uf” width=”400″ height=”330″ addpermission=”” editpermission=”” /]

The Volt….

Poem from the internet…

O and his Progs are crying today,
No one will purchase a new Chevrolet.
Though rebates, incentives and good vibes were offered,
The people refused to be hoodwinked and haltered.
We looked at the Volt and were slightly offended,
Then looked at the price in the tax dollars tended.
“No Volt” and “Buy Ford” we repeated and screamed,
And the Volt sales just stopped; their sales numbers creamed.
A lesson from US to His Highness, King O,
Stop trying to snow us. You know where to go

Daniel Martin Gray

Free Pot!!!

Yes, you heard that right, Free Pot! Mayhaps not quite what your first thought was…

 

Shit Creek

Thanks to this entrepreneur we can at least get a paddle every time we end up there in the future! I predict he’ll make a fortune!

Fluctuations

Today’s word is…………….. Fluctuations
I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.  There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.  It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, “Why it change?  Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.  Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?”
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations.”
The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people too”
(You know you’re laughing…)

Lousiana Cajuns

A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road South of Basra, when they hear a voice call out from behind a sand dune, … “One Louisiana Cajun soldier is better than ten Iraqi.”

The Iraqi commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune, where upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, Then silence.

The voice once again calls out, … “One Louisiana Cajun is better than one hundred Iraqi.”

Furious, … The Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune, and instantly a huge gun fight commences.  After 10 minutes of battle, … Again silence.

The Cajun voice calls out again, … “One Louisiana Cajun is better than one thousand Iraqi.”

The enraged Iraqi commander musters 1,000 fighters, and sends them to the other side of the dune.  Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought, …. Then silence.

Eventually, … One badly wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the
dune, and with his dying words tells his commander, … “Don’t send any more men, … it’s a trap.  There’s two of them.

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